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How the Stephen Stole Christmas
Jack: Okay, it's Christmas morning, and it's 4:30, and I hid all Stephen's presents, and, it's pretty fun. Stephen, it's Christmas. Stephen: What? Jack: It's time to get up and open presents. Stephen: What time is it? Jack: 4:30. Stephen: Oh, my God. That's freakin' early. Jack: Dude, come on. It doesn't matter. Stephen: Why 4:30? Jack: It doesn't matter. Come on, let's open the presents. Stephen: I'll take a shower first. Jack: No, no, mom said, mom said, uh, open them, right now. Stephen: Okay, where is mom and why do you have that video camera? Jack: Well... Mom, is upstairs and... Stephen: Do something stupid and I'll knock your teeth out cause that's all I'm saying. Don't do anything stupid. Jack: I'm not doing... Stephen: Yeah, whatever. You get that camera and something stupid happens. Jack: Nothing's gonna happen, Stephen. Stephen: Okay, whatever. I don't even know. I'm... Jack: I'm just video taping, it's Christmas. I mean, seriously. Just start... Stephen: Should I open them before she comes down? Jack: Yeah, she's, she just said start opening them. Stephen: You're just, no. You're lying. Jack: No, I'm not, really, she said just start opening them. Stephen: Okay. I'll sort them, and by the time she comes down. Here's yours. By the time she comes down, I'll be opening. You don't have to video tape me. Just sorting them. Jack: It doesn't matter, Stephen. Stephen: It's freakin' heavy. Those, those are yours. This is yours. This is yours. Yours. Here's yours. Could I put yours on top or something? Jack: I don't know what kind, man. Stephen: Okay, all these yours, all those yours. This is mine from you. Jack: Yeah, I got it. Stephen: See if I get each other ones? Jack: I don't know, I just... Stephen: I think you got it once. No one ever told me, sorry. Jack: Doesn't matter. I got you one. Stephen: How? Jack: Open it. Stephen: I thought, okay. Trojan Ultra Thin. Jack: Yeah. Stephen: Those heads from no pleasure. Okay. And it's empty.'' Why? Why is it empty, and why did you get me condoms? Jack: Why did you smell it? Stephen: I don't know. Why are these all yours? Okay, those are all yours. Where are mine at? Yeah. You were playing a joke, Jack. I'm not to play a joke unless you get me, unless you get me my presents. Jack: But, dude, seriously, I don't know where they are. I didn't, I didn't hide your presents. Stephen: Alrighty. Jack: Stephen, what are you doing? Stephen, seriously, stop. Stephen, come on. Stephen. Stephen: Dude, shut up. Jack: Stop. Stephen: You trying to impress people for it. Jack: I'm not trying to impressing anybody. Well, that's Christmas. Stephen: I'm sorry, Jack, this is what happens. Jack: Come on. Stephen: This is what happens. Jack: What are you doing? Stephen: This is what happens. You touch me, and I'll freakin' get you. Don't touch me. Jack: Where are you taking the...? That's, Stephen, you can't take the presents outside, they'll get all... what are you doing? Dude, my socks are getting wet. Stephen, where are you going? Why are you putting them out there? Stephen: You wanna tell me? Jack: Tell you what? Tell you what? Stephen: Where mine are? Jack: I didn't hide your presents. Stephen: Put the camera down, put the camera down. Jack: No, I'm not gonna put the camera down. Stephen, because, this isn't one of those, I'm not trying to pull anything on you, okay? Oh, you almost fell! Ooh! Dude, stop kicking the presents. Stephen: Wanna mess with me? Jack: '' ''Dude, what are you doing with the Christmas tree? Come on. Stephen, really, stop. Stephen: You take away my presents, I'll take away... Jack: I didn't take away your presents. Stephen, put the Christmas, Stephen, the crap is falling off of it. Dude, Stephen, seriously, come on! Dude, mom and dad are gonna be mad. Dude, stop! Stephen, put, Stephen, seriously, come on, you're taking, you're taking it too far. Come on! Stephen, this isn't one of those pranks, seriously. Stephen: Oh, mom and dad just forgot to give me... Jack: Why are you putting all the crap outside? Stephen: Mom and dad just forgot to give me presents, you freakin' retard. Jack: Presents? Presents? You don't even know how to say the words. Stephen: That's what happens. Mom and dad forgot to give me presents. Jack: I don't know. Stephen: The crap is for me anyway. Jack: Dude, this... why are you putting all that crap outside? Seriously? Come on, it's cold out here, why can't we just take our stuff back inside? Stephen? No, dude, really, stop, stop, stop! Stephen, stop! Stephen: Don't touch me! Don't touch me. Jack: Stephen, stop. Stephen: Unless you wanna get punched in the face... Jack: Stephen, come on. Stephen: I would suggest you don't touch me. Jack: Come on! Dude, stop! Stephen: Tell me where they are, tell me where they are. I swear to god. Jack: I didn't hide them! Stephen: Everything. Jack: Stephen, I don't have it. Stop! Stephen, stop! Come on! Dude, cut it out!! What are you doing, are you squirting freaking charcoal crap on there? Stephen, stop. Stephen: Nope. Tell me. Jack: You won't do it. Stephen: I swear to god. Jack: No. Stephen: I swear to god. Jack: You won't do it. Stephen: I swear to freaking god. Jack: You won't do it. You won't, you won't do it, Stephen. You don't even know how to light a lighter. You can't do it. Stephen, whoa, hey, Stephen! Stop! ''Stephen! Stephen, STOP!! Stephen: No, tell me where they are. Jack: STEPHEN, REALLY, PUT IT OUT RIGHT NOW! PUT IT OUT RIGHT NOW! Stephen: No! Jack: STEPHEN! Stephen: Screw off! Come near me, and I swear to god! Jack: Stephen, put it OUT!!! Stephen: No. Jack: YOU'RE BURNING THE FREAKING PRESENTS! Stephen: Yeah, Merry Christmas, faggot. Merry Christmas. That's what happens. Jack: Dude, you can't just burn a tree like that. Stephen! Seriously, you don't think you're taking this whole thing. Like... get away from me, dude. Stephen: No, I missed the top part of it. Jack: What's wrong with you? Stephen: That's good. Go, give me the camera. Give me the camera! Jack: Dang it!